♡ stronger ♡

If you really love me, why would you follow Hanis back?

If you really love me, why would you subscribe the porn telegram? You even contacted the gurl and ask why you were remove from the group?

If you really love me, why didnt you touch me have sex with me? Its been more than a year since you last touched me?

Am i really that jijik to you? Am i really that hideous?

Cuma kata2 je kan yg you syg i.

Why would you still follow so many girls and liking their pics even after i said i didnt like that?

Siapa i dihati you?

I tak rasa seperti seorang isteri dalam hidup you.

More like a roommate.

Lepaskan i kalau you terus nak macam ni.

I terseksa.

Hari2 insecure, menangis sorang2.

Of course you taktahu, sebab i try and try and try to be okay with everything when its actually vice versa.

I sakit. Sakit sgt. Sebab i sayang you, i respected you, i cinta you, i gave everything to you, but this is what i get.

I sakit sangat.

Sad.

When people you thought would understand you, but then he’s exactly like other people who doesnt understand you. When you thought you can depend on him to gets you, to back you up, ended up also blaming you.

Yg faham diri ini hanyala mak abah ku.

Suami yg i harapkan untuk memahami i malah sedikit sebanyak mcm menyalahkan diri i atas kerengangan hubungan dgn cousin i. I faham bila you ckp main phone tu satu bad habit. I faham sgt. Tapi untuk seseorang yg dah lama kenal i, dari kecik dengan i, dia tak patut persoalkan benda tu skrg. Dia patut faham benda tu adalah habit i, just sbb of that bad habit terus nak label i tak appreciate memories all that. Kenapa skrg nak persoalkan? Lepas ape i buat just to be there with them all this time. Balik kerja penat2, terus on badminton, on lepak2. Tak nampak effort i to create memories dgn dorang. Even i broke the rules to stay overnight dgn dorang, sampai mak abah i marah2. I try to improve myself kali pertama dorang tegur i, tapi still nak point that out. Even you suami i pun tak nampak effort i. Org yg i harapkan sgt2 untuk be there dgn i, ended up sgt kecewakan i. You ckp i tak boleh ditegur. You know, that hurts a lot. A lot. Bcs its coming from you. The man that i love with my whole heart, my bestfriend. I tak boleh ditegur sbb benda yg you tegur tu salah, tak valid untuk i, sbb dorang tak wajar nak marah i just sbb benda petty and stupid mcm tu. Nape dorang tak boleh faham? And you pun tak faham diri i? Why? Just why even you suami i pun macam nak blame i juga? 😞

I love my husband so much.

I have never love any guy like i love him.

I never thought i could actually, after my previous relationship ended.

I love him with all my heart.

He’s the best husband ever.

I have so many insecurities, so many meltdowns, a roller coaster of emotions, and yet he’s handling it well.

I have so many flaws, I’m not pretty, I’m not sexy, I’m not rich, and yet he’s still wanted to marry me.

I don’t know what he sees in me.

He’s patient, he made a lot of effort to be with me.

And I’m forever thankful for that.

When it comes to insecurities, every little thing that he does affects me.

Men. He’s just like any other man, who likes looking at pics of sexy girls, pretty girls.

And my husband is one of them.

He’s literally has followed all sexy and pretty girls on ig.

And this thing affects me the most

Because I’m not like those girls. Not even close.

And it makes me wonder, how can he love me when all he sees and watch are those girls.

I’ve told him about this, so many times, and nothing changes.

He follows new sexy girl frequently.

He stopped for awhile but then he did it again.

When I confronted him, he said he didnt remember follow them. And i know that’s a lie. He’s lying straight to my face.

It’s sad.

All i ask is i want to be respected as a wife.

I know he frequently likes girls photo, follow new girls, even dm them.

I know he’s still dming hanis hamid. Keciknya hati.

I trusted him with my whole heart, my whole life.

Kecewa, kecik hati, sedih.

Why would he still does the things that i hate?

Even Ive told him that i dont like he followed girls on ig, i dont like he’s dming them, i hate it.

But he still does it anyway.

Does any of my words ever mean anything to him?

Sometimes i wonder, did he ever love me?

Why did he even marry me if he’s going to hurt me like this?

He didnt event “touch” me, even when we had sex, he played with his phone.

What am i to him? 😭

kenapa i rasa dia tak sayang i?

Kenapa i rasa macam dia kahwin dengan i just for the sake of kahwin?

Bukan seikhlasnya sayang and cinta i?

He never love me ke?

I sayang and cinta suami i lebih sepenuh hati i, tapi entahla.

I think he feel disgusting with me, and ashamed of me as his wife. After i get pregnant, he didn’t even touch me.

This hurts me so much.

Thinking that the man i love with all my heart, might not love me the same way i do.

I’m sorry. For not being a wife you want.

The beautiful wife.

The sexy wife.

The hottest wife.

I’m so sorry.

…..

I’m sorry if I’m not a good wife for you. All I’m trying to be are the best wife, partner for you. I guess i didn’t try hard enough kut. Sorry i pushed you too much that night. Never have i thought that things could become this way. Jujur, it’s not that i dont let you eat durian ever, cuma malam tu before makan durian, makanla something yang berat. You only ate maggie and straight away main bola, how could i let you eat durian when knowing that maggie is acid and your health condition yang ada gerds. Demi Allah, i takut. I takut sangat if your gerds come back. I’m afraid of losing you, losing my husband. I cuma ada suami i and family i jer. Why can’t you understand me as a wife?

Tapi tak sangka, because i care very much and too much, sampai I didn’t know merimaskan you. Sampai you sanggup marah, ignore i, you didn’t even speak to me the whole night like you always do. Even in front of my family, i terasa dipalaukan oleh suami sendiri. Sad, so sad. It hurts me so much. You compare i dengan mak you. Im really sorry I can’t be like your mak. I’m so sorry.

Keciknya hati, Allah je yang tahu. Terkilan sebab suami yang i sayang, yang i cinta lebih dari my ownself buat i macam ni. I get it, it’s my fault for caring too much, for not letting you eat durian, yes you can be mad at me but janganlah sampai ignore i like I didn’t even exists. I told you many times, i hate being ignore.

Takpela, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you got me as your wife. I’m sorry I’m not perfect and never will be a perfect wife. I’m sorry i don’t understand you. I’m sorry I’m not good enough being your wife. I’m sorry for being sucks as a wife. I’m so sorry.

…..

Unappreciated. Maybe bcs im not attractive enough, not pretty enough, not good enough. For anyone, even including your own spouse. Entahlah. Found something that hurts me so much. Something im afraid of.

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21.08.22

You.

The thing about you is that, i never planned “you”.

I never planned on getting to know you, i never planned on being in love with you. It was never my plan in the first place. But once im starting to love you, i had planned that i want to spend the rest of my life with you InsyaAllah.

You are the most unexpected thing in my life. And people said the best thing happens unexpectedly, and it is true.

My first/previous relationship ended on 01/01/2021 and we matched each other was on 03/01/2021. People might say that i moved on too fast. But they didnt know how long i was holding on with my ex, i gave him a year to change but after a year nothing’s changed and i gotta do what i gotta do. I told you all that already right hehe

03/01/2021 same old same old things i did, swiping on dating apps without expecting any serious relationship, maybe just a good talk and friends, little did i know that im going to meet the love of my life (read: you) hehe. But Still, when we matched i didnt expect anything from it, i didnt expect that you would say “hi” first, and im surely not gonna say hi first to anyone on dating apps. You said hi then we talk a bit then, i ghosted you. Thats just how i was at that time. If i think that things arent gonna work out or maybe im just too lazy to talk to anyone, im just gonna ghost that person hehe. Sorry sayang.

11/01/2021 the day you text me again on the dating apps, even after i didnt replied to your last text. And you straight away asked my number and soc meds to contact me. Somehow i think this is the part where it triggers me “okay, this is interesting” and im starting to “see” you. Then we moved on to texting on whatsapp and we followed each other on instagram. I dont really know your intentions on asking my number, but to me that is something. First thing i did when i talked to a man is going all over his soc meds, i will stalk him until there is nothing to stalk 😂 Bcs i had a really bad experiences when it comes to being friend with a man from dating apps. Just to make sure that i aint talking to some “bad” man.

“He’s not so bad” - my thoughts while scrolling your ig. Hehe. One of the things that i like in man is a man who wears a watch on his left hand. And you did. Hehe. Plus you are cute. So that makes double point for you. But still i didnt expect anything serious from you at that time. At all. Its just me having a little crush on you. And im the type that if i like you and I’ll say it to you. But you on the other hand were like “jual mahal, main tarik tali” 😂 and i was totally okay with that, i made it clear to you that i like you and even confirmed with you that you had no gf at that time. I still didnt expect anything in return. And also im the type that, if you say you didnt like me back, or you already had gf, i will totally back off. I was being so patient with you bcs you were like chipsmore at that time and you clearly said that you are not the clingy type and i respected it. So busy with your own life, you were only texting me 3/4days a week. But i like you, and i would not double texted you so I’ll just wait for your reply.

So thats how we met, and The rest is history on how we made it this far hehe. Alhamdulillah. All thanks to Allah, for bringing you into my life. I didnt expect that we made it this far, i didnt know i could love someone this hard after my previous relationship. I dont deserve you after all ive done. I dont deserve this happiness, but Alhamdulillah syukur. I am so blessed.

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Bismillah;

Sempurna.

Alhamdulillah for this blessings in my life. Honestly said, I didn’t know you’d be this important in my life. I didn’t know i could love someone this hard after all I’ve been through. Like I’m slowly giving up in man after my last relationship. I didn’t know i could be loved by someone like how you love me.

Its like looking in the mirror when i look at you. How you’re so obsessed with cats (so much like me), like you you’re so good and dependable when it comes to your parents and family, like you never berkira when it comes to money. Cuma 1 thing and its no mirror lol, i dont fancy branded items lol, but i dont really mind if you like that hehe. Just dont spend your money to buy me the branded items, just feed me good foods hehe. .

Looking back at my previous relationship, i guess im so used to being on the side where i didn’t receive anything from my ex even on special days. So when you gave me those branded items, i feel like i don’t deserve it 🥲 Alhamdulillah thank you yang for spoiling me so much all these time hehe but I didn’t ask for that yang, just feed me good foods is more than enough hehe. .

11/06/2022

Alhamdulillah, thank you sudi masuk meminang i, thank you sudi nak jadikan i isteri you, thank you sudi nak spend the rest of your life waking up seeing my face first, thank you sudi nak sambung tanggungjawab menjaga i. I dont really have anything to offer to you, all i know is i will love you harder as days goes by, i will be the supporting partner in everything you do (good one hehe), i will pray for all the good things in your life InsyaAllah Amin YRA