♡ stronger ♡

Sad.

When people you thought would understand you, but then he’s exactly like other people who doesnt understand you. When you thought you can depend on him to gets you, to back you up, ended up also blaming you.

Yg faham diri ini hanyala mak abah ku.

Suami yg i harapkan untuk memahami i malah sedikit sebanyak mcm menyalahkan diri i atas kerengangan hubungan dgn cousin i. I faham bila you ckp main phone tu satu bad habit. I faham sgt. Tapi untuk seseorang yg dah lama kenal i, dari kecik dengan i, dia tak patut persoalkan benda tu skrg. Dia patut faham benda tu adalah habit i, just sbb of that bad habit terus nak label i tak appreciate memories all that. Kenapa skrg nak persoalkan? Lepas ape i buat just to be there with them all this time. Balik kerja penat2, terus on badminton, on lepak2. Tak nampak effort i to create memories dgn dorang. Even i broke the rules to stay overnight dgn dorang, sampai mak abah i marah2. I try to improve myself kali pertama dorang tegur i, tapi still nak point that out. Even you suami i pun tak nampak effort i. Org yg i harapkan sgt2 untuk be there dgn i, ended up sgt kecewakan i. You ckp i tak boleh ditegur. You know, that hurts a lot. A lot. Bcs its coming from you. The man that i love with my whole heart, my bestfriend. I tak boleh ditegur sbb benda yg you tegur tu salah, tak valid untuk i, sbb dorang tak wajar nak marah i just sbb benda petty and stupid mcm tu. Nape dorang tak boleh faham? And you pun tak faham diri i? Why? Just why even you suami i pun macam nak blame i juga? 😞

I love my husband so much.

I have never love any guy like i love him.

I never thought i could actually, after my previous relationship ended.

I love him with all my heart.

He’s the best husband ever.

I have so many insecurities, so many meltdowns, a roller coaster of emotions, and yet he’s handling it well.

I have so many flaws, I’m not pretty, I’m not sexy, I’m not rich, and yet he’s still wanted to marry me.

I don’t know what he sees in me.

He’s patient, he made a lot of effort to be with me.

And I’m forever thankful for that.

When it comes to insecurities, every little thing that he does affects me.

Men. He’s just like any other man, who likes looking at pics of sexy girls, pretty girls.

And my husband is one of them.

He’s literally has followed all sexy and pretty girls on ig.

And this thing affects me the most

Because I’m not like those girls. Not even close.

And it makes me wonder, how can he love me when all he sees and watch are those girls.

I’ve told him about this, so many times, and nothing changes.

He follows new sexy girl frequently.

He stopped for awhile but then he did it again.

When I confronted him, he said he didnt remember follow them. And i know that’s a lie. He’s lying straight to my face.

It’s sad.

All i ask is i want to be respected as a wife.

I know he frequently likes girls photo, follow new girls, even dm them.

I know he’s still dming hanis hamid. Keciknya hati.

I trusted him with my whole heart, my whole life.

Kecewa, kecik hati, sedih.

Why would he still does the things that i hate?

Even Ive told him that i dont like he followed girls on ig, i dont like he’s dming them, i hate it.

But he still does it anyway.

Does any of my words ever mean anything to him?

Sometimes i wonder, did he ever love me?

Why did he even marry me if he’s going to hurt me like this?

He didnt event “touch” me, even when we had sex, he played with his phone.

What am i to him? 😭

kenapa i rasa dia tak sayang i?

Kenapa i rasa macam dia kahwin dengan i just for the sake of kahwin?

Bukan seikhlasnya sayang and cinta i?

He never love me ke?

I sayang and cinta suami i lebih sepenuh hati i, tapi entahla.

I think he feel disgusting with me, and ashamed of me as his wife. After i get pregnant, he didn’t even touch me.

This hurts me so much.

Thinking that the man i love with all my heart, might not love me the same way i do.

I’m sorry. For not being a wife you want.

The beautiful wife.

The sexy wife.

The hottest wife.

I’m so sorry.

…..

I’m sorry if I’m not a good wife for you. All I’m trying to be are the best wife, partner for you. I guess i didn’t try hard enough kut. Sorry i pushed you too much that night. Never have i thought that things could become this way. Jujur, it’s not that i dont let you eat durian ever, cuma malam tu before makan durian, makanla something yang berat. You only ate maggie and straight away main bola, how could i let you eat durian when knowing that maggie is acid and your health condition yang ada gerds. Demi Allah, i takut. I takut sangat if your gerds come back. I’m afraid of losing you, losing my husband. I cuma ada suami i and family i jer. Why can’t you understand me as a wife?

Tapi tak sangka, because i care very much and too much, sampai I didn’t know merimaskan you. Sampai you sanggup marah, ignore i, you didn’t even speak to me the whole night like you always do. Even in front of my family, i terasa dipalaukan oleh suami sendiri. Sad, so sad. It hurts me so much. You compare i dengan mak you. Im really sorry I can’t be like your mak. I’m so sorry.

Keciknya hati, Allah je yang tahu. Terkilan sebab suami yang i sayang, yang i cinta lebih dari my ownself buat i macam ni. I get it, it’s my fault for caring too much, for not letting you eat durian, yes you can be mad at me but janganlah sampai ignore i like I didn’t even exists. I told you many times, i hate being ignore.

Takpela, I’m sorry for everything. I’m sorry you got me as your wife. I’m sorry I’m not perfect and never will be a perfect wife. I’m sorry i don’t understand you. I’m sorry I’m not good enough being your wife. I’m sorry for being sucks as a wife. I’m so sorry.

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21.08.22

You.

The thing about you is that, i never planned “you”.

I never planned on getting to know you, i never planned on being in love with you. It was never my plan in the first place. But once im starting to love you, i had planned that i want to spend the rest of my life with you InsyaAllah.

You are the most unexpected thing in my life. And people said the best thing happens unexpectedly, and it is true.

My first/previous relationship ended on 01/01/2021 and we matched each other was on 03/01/2021. People might say that i moved on too fast. But they didnt know how long i was holding on with my ex, i gave him a year to change but after a year nothing’s changed and i gotta do what i gotta do. I told you all that already right hehe

03/01/2021 same old same old things i did, swiping on dating apps without expecting any serious relationship, maybe just a good talk and friends, little did i know that im going to meet the love of my life (read: you) hehe. But Still, when we matched i didnt expect anything from it, i didnt expect that you would say “hi” first, and im surely not gonna say hi first to anyone on dating apps. You said hi then we talk a bit then, i ghosted you. Thats just how i was at that time. If i think that things arent gonna work out or maybe im just too lazy to talk to anyone, im just gonna ghost that person hehe. Sorry sayang.

11/01/2021 the day you text me again on the dating apps, even after i didnt replied to your last text. And you straight away asked my number and soc meds to contact me. Somehow i think this is the part where it triggers me “okay, this is interesting” and im starting to “see” you. Then we moved on to texting on whatsapp and we followed each other on instagram. I dont really know your intentions on asking my number, but to me that is something. First thing i did when i talked to a man is going all over his soc meds, i will stalk him until there is nothing to stalk 😂 Bcs i had a really bad experiences when it comes to being friend with a man from dating apps. Just to make sure that i aint talking to some “bad” man.

“He’s not so bad” - my thoughts while scrolling your ig. Hehe. One of the things that i like in man is a man who wears a watch on his left hand. And you did. Hehe. Plus you are cute. So that makes double point for you. But still i didnt expect anything serious from you at that time. At all. Its just me having a little crush on you. And im the type that if i like you and I’ll say it to you. But you on the other hand were like “jual mahal, main tarik tali” 😂 and i was totally okay with that, i made it clear to you that i like you and even confirmed with you that you had no gf at that time. I still didnt expect anything in return. And also im the type that, if you say you didnt like me back, or you already had gf, i will totally back off. I was being so patient with you bcs you were like chipsmore at that time and you clearly said that you are not the clingy type and i respected it. So busy with your own life, you were only texting me 3/4days a week. But i like you, and i would not double texted you so I’ll just wait for your reply.

So thats how we met, and The rest is history on how we made it this far hehe. Alhamdulillah. All thanks to Allah, for bringing you into my life. I didnt expect that we made it this far, i didnt know i could love someone this hard after my previous relationship. I dont deserve you after all ive done. I dont deserve this happiness, but Alhamdulillah syukur. I am so blessed.

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Bismillah;

Sempurna.

Alhamdulillah for this blessings in my life. Honestly said, I didn’t know you’d be this important in my life. I didn’t know i could love someone this hard after all I’ve been through. Like I’m slowly giving up in man after my last relationship. I didn’t know i could be loved by someone like how you love me.

Its like looking in the mirror when i look at you. How you’re so obsessed with cats (so much like me), like you you’re so good and dependable when it comes to your parents and family, like you never berkira when it comes to money. Cuma 1 thing and its no mirror lol, i dont fancy branded items lol, but i dont really mind if you like that hehe. Just dont spend your money to buy me the branded items, just feed me good foods hehe. .

Looking back at my previous relationship, i guess im so used to being on the side where i didn’t receive anything from my ex even on special days. So when you gave me those branded items, i feel like i don’t deserve it 🥲 Alhamdulillah thank you yang for spoiling me so much all these time hehe but I didn’t ask for that yang, just feed me good foods is more than enough hehe. .

11/06/2022

Alhamdulillah, thank you sudi masuk meminang i, thank you sudi nak jadikan i isteri you, thank you sudi nak spend the rest of your life waking up seeing my face first, thank you sudi nak sambung tanggungjawab menjaga i. I dont really have anything to offer to you, all i know is i will love you harder as days goes by, i will be the supporting partner in everything you do (good one hehe), i will pray for all the good things in your life InsyaAllah Amin YRA

27th

Ps;

This has been in my draft for almost more than half a year lol.

I just keep writing but dont have the courage to post it.

So its a late post, here we go.

18.12.2021

Alhamdulillah. Another year older, another year wiser. Turned 27 last sat, surrounded with people i love the most. I cant put it into words on how much grateful i am right now. Alhamdulillah Alhamdulillah, thank you Allah. For this blessing in my life, for giving me another year to go through, for giving me all these people i love the most.

Few days before my birthday, i got quite bad news for my mom. Her kidney problems are getting worse, currently at last stage. Sedih, sangat sedih bcs i know my mom really take care of her health, she control her diet so much, never missed out her ubats and its still getting worse. We dont know what went wrong. Shes the strongest person ever, she didnt even cried when the doctor told us. Me? Of course la tak nangis jugak lol nangis bila sorang2 tu wajib. I was so down, and i just dont feel like doing anything. Cant imagine how my mom feels 😭 i tried so hard to act normal, to smile, to make my mom feel like this is nothing new to us, this is small matter, we can get through this. But deep down my heart, im scared, so scared of a lot of possibilities 😭 And to my thinking, this is probably worst birthday gifts ever (little did i know, I was getting the best birthday gifts ever!).

And i decided im gonna celebrate my birthday with my family. I want to spend my weekend with my family, i want to cook good foods for my mom (bcs shes been having some appetite issues lately ni). I just dont want to see anyone else in this state, where im not happy and sad. And i told ct, probably have to cancel our trip to temerloh. Kesian ct, shes been craving nak makan ikan patin temerloh and we planned to go there on my birthday but i just cant go out with this sad mood. Bina and ipan were busy with their own family, biasa la dah kahwin kan and im totally okay with that. My man wanted to meet me after work on sat night and i told him no since its gonna be late at night and hes probably gonna be tired taknak la susahkan dia and jauh pulak tu and kereta dia ada problem so definitely no. Told him i will meet him on sun or next week.

4 days bfr my birthday, i told my bf about my mother, luahkan rasa sedih, and i didnt get any response from him. Like literally no reply to that text. Maybe bcs at that time he was playing football and tak sempat nak reply. I was sad, like so sad. I was already sad about my mom, but bertambah sedih bila no response from him bila i meluahkan. I asked him the next day, regarding the text. I was trying so hard to be understanding at that time, that maybe dia tak sempat reply sbb penat main bola, balik, mandi, main phone then tido like he told me. But my heart aches when i saw him online ig and fb but didnt response to the text. And its one of the reasons why I didn’t want to celebrate my birthday, bcs i feel like i didn’t matter to anyone, even to my bf.

In relationship, all that matters is communication. Tell your partner anything and what you feel, and be a listener. Advice your partner when its needed. That’s all that matters to me. I dont need fancy and branded items, just be with me and listen to my rants, be my advisor when needed, correct each other when needed, support each other in terms of anything, tolerate towards each other. That's all im asking in relationship. I don’t want to repeat my mistake in my past relationship, where i keep too much things to myself, where i bottled up all what i feel until one day I couldn’t hold it in anymore and i just left, bcs I can’t handle it anymore. That’s who i was before as a partner. I kept things to myself and there’s no 2 way communication, bcs he didn’t want to talk and i was being too understanding.

So long story short, they came to my house to surprise me for my birthday. 18/12/2022 12am, ct bina ipan and my bf surprised me. I didn't expect that they would come all the way here, to port klang, in heavy rain and flood everywhere 🥺 And I didn’t expect my bf would be here also, since I told him i dont want to meet him 🥺 sumpah terharu, like i cried on the spot and speechless. This is by far the best birthday ever although there were sadness but with a lil sprinkle of sweetness can make me the happiest girl ever. Alhamdulillah ya Allah.

13.05.2022

I disappoint myself.

Rasa mcm diri ni penuh dgn badi and nasib malang. Teruknya rasa sbb ive been so careless for so many times. In the span of 2 years i had 3 accident. Bayangkan la 😭

I didnt ask for the accidents to happen. When it happened, ketar dia Allah je yg tahu. When i tried to tell the truth, nobody wants to believe. Yes i admit i probably drove too fast that night, that was my mistake. Tapi jangan la treat me as if i wanted this to happen. Allah je tahu perasaan bila hadap accident tu mcm mana. This time it happened not because of i was on my phone or anything, but bcs of i probably drove too fucking fast 😭 .

I hated myself alot more now. Rasa mcm aku banyak menyusahkan orang sekeliling tapi I didnt want this to happen, AT ALL. Sape je yg nak accidents 😞 entahla, you make 1 mistake and they forgot all the good things youve done in a click. Sedih. Hadap je la, brace the consequences of your own damn action diba.

Penat menangis, i know menangis cant change anything. But i cant stop crying, i hated myself, i hated how i always menyusahkan people around me. Takde niat pun nak susahkan sesiapa, i fcking hate rasa menyusahkan sesiapa, even i hate making people wait for me, inikan menyusahkan tahap mcm ni but they don’t understand right now. All they thought that i did this on purpose, Demi Allah it was never my intention 😭😞