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Assalamualaikum, hey stalker. I guess you found me lol. Welcome to my random rants. A lil sneak peak of what's happening in my life. Instead of talking, i write everything that happened in my life here. Bear with me.

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22.03.2022; 

Pernah tak kau rasa macam “you are not good enough”, “you dont deserve this and that”, “you dont deserve to be treated nicely”.

Aku selalu rasa macam tu. Rasa macam aku tak layak T.T I compared myself to other people alot that its becoming so unhealthy and sick and tiring. My mind and mood will totally change when it happens. I can go from being happy to suddenly feels like i hated myself for being exist. And that feeling sucks. I love looking at pretty and beautiful and success girl, but then I’d question myself “kenapa kau tak macam tu? Kenapa kau tak dapat apa yang dia dapat? Bestnya jadi macam dia. Bestnya dapat hidup life macam dia. What went wrong with your life diba?” And that thoughts continue until i feel like i wanted to go off from socmeds. Its freaking sickening and tiring okay. Its not like that I’m not grateful with my life cuma i feel like i can do better than right now and it ain’t happening at all. Aku bersyukur for what Allah have given and written for me cuma yela, like i said i can do better its just that I don’t know how. Dengki are totally not in my kamus life, its just me, I’m the problem here. Always feels like I’m just nothing and nobody. Haihh its tiring, so tiring. 

And when you keep comparing yourself, you ended up feeling like shit and and insecure and not worthy at all hahaha. And that freaking sucks. Sucks bcs you know you've done your very best tapi once you compared yourself and it automatically goes down the drain.  

Whenever i saw gambar perempuan cantik2, i would automatically feel like i want to hide myself away and like i want to disappear and would questions myself “confidentnya kau post selfie2 kau, dah cukup cantik la tu? Dah cukup comel lah tu?” 😭😭😭 Theres a whole lot of pretty girl out there and what was i thinking when posting all those selfies arghhhhh 😭 

When he sent me his old pics, with his long hair (so handsome i died instantly lol), i was thinking he must be so famous back then. He mentioned before how he was a player and had so many “scandals” lol and while me??? I was a fat girl and so skema and i dont even know how to dress up cantik2 😭😭😭 we are so sooooo different. I cant match his level not even a bit. He stays in KL and me? I stay in this goddamn korok port klang 😭😭😭 i am surely not at his level, he deserves a pretty girl and smart and pretty and skinny and pretty. And that girl obviously not me! And his ex?!? I mean, his ex and me are way way way different. He definitely downgrade himself by being with me ☹️😢 kesiannya dapat gf like me. He can do alot better tbh, he can get any girl that are much better, prettier than me. Its a pressure being his gf. He did nothing wrong, its just me. 

Penatla insecure begini. Tired, exhausted!! I dont like this feeling. Rasa mcm nak hilang dari dunia ni, like why would i even existed and why i was born ugly. I dont questions Allah, Wallahi jauh sekali cuma i questions myself. Why i never had the efforts to be pretty back then?! Why i never tried to diet and be fucking skinny?!